It's be almost a month since I have written anything here of any substance. Reflecting back over the month of April, I can't make the excuse that I didn't have time to blog. Instead, let's just say that April was a month of uncertainty. The month began with the looming prospect of being moved from Arkansas to an unknown destination (as a result of Nate's work) by the end of the April. This move has long been inevitable, but not knowing a date, time, or destination made it difficult to know how to manage our time are resources. As it turned out, the 3rd week of April we discovered that we would be moving around the 1st of June, and that our destination (for a few months at least) would be Kansas City. More on this in the future. For now, I'll simply add that my preparations for our departure have been moving along rapidly.
The move back to Kansas City raises new questions for me. Right now the amount of time we will spend there is still uncertain, which makes forming plans difficult. The biggest question for me is when, how, and where to find a job. I can't say that I have wasted my time here in Arkansas as a result of not having a job. We have accomplished many things in a short time, and to be quite honest, I really enjoyed having a break from my usual, chaotic and crazy-busy lifestyle. It makes me reluctant to go back to it. However, recently my self-discipline and motivation have been lacking, so having some sort of schedule would probably be a good thing again.
I pretty much gave up my desire to earnest pursue a career when I got married. Don't get me wrong, marriage is not a decision I regret in the least. It's just that Nathan's job is naturally more demanding and I didn't want my own stubborn resolution on a career to hold him back from moving forward with his own. Also, I always expected to give up my career when children came along...taking care of a family/being a parent is the most important career of all! However, this desire for flexibility and time to support husband/family, when coupled with my own natural ambition to succeed, makes determining what kind of work to look for a difficult task. Then there is the guilty feeling I get from failing to live up to cultural expectations that someone like me should be career-focused at this stage in life. To have a career...or not to have a career...that is the question. Maybe I'll just create my own career. I have my own ideas, but how to make them feasible is another question. I know my natural response should be to trust God and allow him to open the doors he wants for my future. I am ashamed to admit that I haven't been doing that. I really haven't been seeking His will and purpose for me at all. Perhaps that's why I find myself with this weird, uncertain feeling...looking into the future and just feeling...bleh.
Lord, open my heart and eyes to the opportunities you place around me to serve others and do the work or your kingdom. Equip me for what you have in store for me. Amen!
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