This post is filled with mixed blessings, and is pretty personal. Humbled and challenged by the frankness of a dear friend (read her blog here http://amileinmyredshoes.blogspot.com ) I've finally found the gumption to be a little more honest about my story, and the way I've experienced pain, followed by God's mercy and grace during the last seven months. Disclaimer, my purpose here is not to make you feel sorry for me, but rather to be genuine about life, in hopes that someone else might read this and find comfort and/or hope from it. So, here goes...
Nathan and I started out the year with a lot of joy. After several months of trying to conceive, we discovered a week or so before Christmas 2012 that we were expecting our first child. Playing it on the safe side, we decided to wait at least eight if not twelve weeks before we shared this happy news with our family members. Needless to say we were excited. Nate bumped up the urgency of our house search, while I began plotting how to rearrange our current rental place to better accommodate a baby a few months down the road.
I apologize if this is TMI, but the long and short of it was I started to experience some bleeding at about seven and a half weeks pregnant. My first appointment was just around the corner, but after a couple of days I decided to check in with the doctor. She reassured me that a little spotting during early pregnancy wasn't uncommon, but just to be on the safe side she ordered a sonogram. I went, and had the joy of seeing my little tiny 8 week along baby with a good strong heartbeat on the monitor, and left feeling considerably reassured. The next Monday I had my first appointment, which went well. Two days later I received a phone call. The doctor wanted me to go for another sonogram...the hormone levels in my blood hadn't risen enough. I called right away to schedule the sonogram, but as it turns out, I didn't need it. I lost the baby that night, at 9 weeks along. I woke Nate up to show him our picture perfect 9 week little "Baby Pollywog" as we had called him/her, then tried to go to sleep, wondering what to do and how to respond to what had just happened. The only thing I could think of was the bible verse I had read during my devotion time the day before. It was Psalm 139, particularly verse 16. I wrote in my journal "You saw (this baby) before he/she was born. Every day of his or her life was recorded in your book! Every moment was laid out before a single day has passed. " I had read that verse that morning before with joy and excitement for the little life inside. Now it came back to me again with a sense of peace; almost as if it were God's way of reassuring me that he knew I was going to lose the baby...that it was part of his plan.
Statistics will tell you that miscarriages are fairly common...anywhere from 1 in 3 to 1 in 5 women supposedly have at least one miscarriage. But there is nothing common or "run-of-the-mill" about losing a baby at any stage of pregnancy. At first I was just numb. Then I was angry at myself. The worst of my perfectionistic tendencies came out, and I started to berate myself for every little thing. I didn't want to tell anyone, under the pretense of not wanting to make them sad or cause them pain when they had their own problems to deal with. A couple at bible study whose baby was expected to arrive very soon spoke each week spoke about how thankful they were that the pregnancy had gone well. Another close family member called us to announce that they were expecting. I went on a visit to some cousins, two of which had infants under a month old. I was surrounded with plenty of opportunities to feel sorry for myself, and eventually, I did. I felt resentful. I felt that life wasn't fair. I also felt that I really needed to snap out of my pity party or bad things were going to happen.
I tried by telling myself that I was making too big of a deal out of it. Surely my loss couldn't be compared to the loss of a child who had been just born, or to a family battling cancer! Trying to downplay or minimize the pain and hurt I felt wasn't a good solution, however. We still had lost a life, and that life, no matter how tiny or unseen was still created by God. No matter how far along I was, our baby was still a baby, with it's own unique genetic make-up, own heartbeat. If I truly believe that life begins at conception, and that all life is precious and created by God, then isn't a 9 week old embryo of as much value as any other human life? Isn't the loss of an unborn child just as significant as the loss of a dearly-loved grandparent? Isn't a life a life, no matter what stage we find it in? In that case the baby we lost in miscarriage shouldn't be swept under the rug, but recognized, and celebrated, and grieved over as any other human life.
God has blessed me by surrounding me with wonderful people, knowing that there would be times I would need them. I think especially of Jen and Ashley, another other friends, all of which have lost unborn children of their own. These people we were able to draw alongside...to talk to, to share with, as part of God's healing process. Another reminder from God that we are never alone...He is always with us, and He has given us brothers and sisters to share the journey with. I also found comfort and healing through the music of Selah. One of their song, Wonderful, Merciful Savior came on Pandora one morning. By the time the song ended I had tears rolling down my face. The song became my heart's cry...an attempt to praise God, and accepting his will even in the midst of my own pain. I downloaded the rest of the album, and spent days listening to songs like I Need Thee Every Hour, O the Deep Deep Love of Jesus, Through It All, How Deep the Father's Love, and Press On. The words and sincerity of the singers were like a healing balm, flooding my soul, turning my focus off of me and back onto God, restoring my joy in the Lord.
It's been a process, but eventually I got to where I could be genuinely happy for others who were expecting, and I began living with hope for another chance at pregnancy for us. We won't ever forget Baby Pollywog...he or she impacted our lives profoundly, even in just a short amount of time.
So that's my story. The fun thing is that God is still faithful, especially when I least expect it. Just when we thought we were going to give up on our house search, he provided the prefect place. The last month has been filled with excitement. At long last we are buying our own house, and best of all, we are expecting our own Christmas miracle at the end of this year. :) I've still been humming Wonderful, Merciful Savior a lot, but this time it's a song a praise rather than a heart-broken cry. Maybe these words will bring joy or comfort to you too.
Wonderful, merciful Savior
Precious Redeemer and Friend
Who would have thought that a Lamb
Could rescue the souls of men
Oh you rescue the souls of men
Counselor, Comforter, Keeper
Spirit we long to embrace
You offer hope when our hearts have
Hopelessly lost the way
Oh, we hopelessly lost the way
You are the One that we praise
You are the One we adore
You give the healing and grace
Our hearts always hunger for
Oh, our hearts always hunger for
Almighty, infinite Father
Faithfully loving Your own
Here in our weakness You find us
Falling before Your throne
Oh, we're falling before Your throne
Eric Wyse and Dawn Rodgers
© Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.
