I chopped my hair off this week. In a few minutes it went from probably the longest it had ever been to the shortest I have ever had it cut. In short, I succumbed to the "mom hair-do". This wasn't a last minute decision; I had been thinking about cutting my hair for some time. Long hair, even when wound up tightly in a bun, seems to have an almost magnetic attraction for baby fingers. The pulling of the hair wasn't so bad. What I was really growing tired of was the looong strands of my hair that were starting to take over my house from shedding, shedding, shedding. It seemed like I was always pulling hair out of Elijah's hands, off his clothes, and off the just-washed laundry. It was time for the hair to go.
I like my hair cut, and it met with Nathan's approval, although it is definitely different. I don't even have to use a comb really, and my shampoo will now last forever. I told Nate that it made me feel two different things: 1) older, and 2) a little more fun. Those two things may seem contradictory, but I think they are probably an integral part of my transition into mommy-hood.
Brandon Heath has a song that says "I'm Not Who I Was". That's really how I've felt since Elijah was born. I think there is a change in identity that comes with the birth of a child. Your body changes, your responsibilities change, your feelings change, your relationships towards other people change, and what you do with your time changes. Even less than before are you in control of anything going on around you. It's kind of a big upset, but it's fun. I am enjoying mommy-hood far more than I ever thought I would. I no longer think of the mom hair'do as a negative, no-more-fun-for-you kind of thing. It's a good thing. It's embracing the new experience and the fun that is going to come along with it. It's like a new outlook on life...a new start. Now that we've gotten over the first sleep-deprived, fussy-baby hump, I feel a lot more motivated and energetic. Washing dishes, doing laundry, and changing diapers no longer seem like drudgery. I have started to enjoy my house-wifely responsibilities again, much like I did when we were first married. In fact, I find myself often wishing that my external responsibilities would just resolve and go away, so that Eli and I could stay home, working in the garden, baking bread, and playing with kitties.
Although I might refer to Elijah as "my son" or "my little boy" in conversation, I don't really think of him as mine. He is far too amazing and miraculous for me to ever take any credit for, and I did nothing to deserve such a sweet little boy. Instead, I think of him as my responsibility; a precious gift entrusted to my care for however long God has planned. I love the snuggles and the giggles, his smiles and squeals and the myriad of expressions that flit across his face. I love his sweet, determined personality and the wonder with which he looks out on the big world around him. Sometimes I don't want him to grow up, yet at the same time I am eager and excited to see him as a toddler, even a teenager. His presence in our home is not only joyful, but humbling, and has taught me to value and enjoy the quiet, cuddly moments. He is a blessing and a joy, and well worth the changes that come with him...especially the mommy 'do.
